He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
