not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He shit in the fireplace
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
