Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
