you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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