Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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