just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
