kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Randomize