my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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