Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
