dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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