I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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