Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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