OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
