The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You are a genius and a whore.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
