forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
