Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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