shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
