I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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