I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
