Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
