i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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