Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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