i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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