Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize