Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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