Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
