I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
