i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
