I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
