Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
