I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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