i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
