so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize