is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
