There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
