My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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