Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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