Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
