so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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