I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
