I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize