you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
