some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
