Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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