atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
