I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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