Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
