I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
