just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
