I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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