I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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