The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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