I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
