Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
