if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I am naked and annoyed.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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