I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
