just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
