So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
